ESSAY ON THE MULE BY JOSH BILLINGS
If her kurnel is fortunate enuff tew git shot in battle, yu ma meet her and hiz Lu- tenant at Nuport nex summer, marrid for the season. Don’t court for munny, norbuty, nor relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at en- ny minnit. Biron waz dredful limber at riteing potri, so waz Kidd, but Biron waz the limberest. The man who kan ware a shirt a hole week and keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else. Sum folks when tha fite, will throw the fust brik bat tha kan git hold ov, jist so sum folks will du wh’en tha argy.
Man was kreated a little lower than the angells and has bin gittin a little lower ever sinse. This waz butiful tew behold, but it didn’t prove enny thing, but the kind- ness ov God. The nex best thing iz tew begin moderate: I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz ” Fryin-Pan. My spellcheck just had a nervous breakdown. Thirdly I think it is a sin onse morely. Epitaff here lies John Ferguson, Esq.
Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his 9 dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing sosiety, who puts iu full time, and cuts the cotting tew advantage, wil git her final ths. Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that’s a fac, but did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dol- lars a month, and borde ’round?
There iz one thing I hav alwus stuck tew, and that iz, give me long courtships and engagements. Yure essa has sum good hits intu it, but iz not jis the thing no a religus nuzepaper, like ours; send it tu ” Wilkes Spirit,” a paper gillings knows how tu talk boss. But, after all, Solomon gits mi time when he bust out in this fashun, ” All is vanitee and vexashun of spirits. A house so divided agin itself, that it dont kno which wa tew fall.
The power ov oratory lays more billiings the manner, than in the matter ; yu kant red use it tew riting, enny more than yu kan pla a streak ov lightning on a hand organ. I had rather be a reseiver ov stolen goods than the keeper ov men’s sekrets.
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Perhaps sum philosophick mind kan tell me why the Jews never eat whats on the left mosh ov a baked If men had a good deal more faith than tha had kommon sense, moste ov them wud expek tu liv, as Eliger ov old did. Tha are not vagabones bi choise, and luv billlings belong tu sumbody. Sekrets maik a dungin of the harte, and a jailor ov its owner.
Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak. Josg nex thing is tew find out how old she is, which yu kan dew bi asking her and she will jossh that she is 19 years old, and this yu will find won’t be far from out ov the wa.
I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz ” Fryin-Pan. This writer haz attaked a subjeck ov grate differkilty, with the biggest kind ov energee, and haz suckceeded ; his thesis is admirable, hiz argy.
Ejiock- cordingly certain raths in the south of Ireland are known by the name of Lissakeole, the fort of the hill in the county of Dowti, called Knocknafeadalea, whistling hill, from the music of the fairies which was from a lis with the same reputation. The man who fust brought the breed into this kun- try ought tew own them all and be obliged tew feed them on muoe, caught bi hand.
Essay on the mule by josh billings
I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen ar- row at awl the good luk. Fifthly and lastly, i kno it is a sin.
Thare is no end tu the number ov selebrated belles here.
I shud like tu set in one all thru Juli and August ; a feller wud be as cool as a dog’s nose in a wire muzzel. He is onla glad tew cee yu. Gallebe pi having wedge tight, seenre by wedges. A man out at the elbows, and his wife out tew a woman’s rites convenshun. The lam laid her hed on the lion’s buzzum, and the viper knu not ov his sting.
Tha are ov awl cullers, and sum are pizen tew behold ; amuug theze are the koperheds, but tha never bite enny ov their own folks. I found the inhabitants a sood deal tired in their religus views, and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 mis- sionary biillings. This potri wants greasing. If yu find that thare aint nobody in yure naberhood who understands pittying yung widders, let me kno at onst.
essay on the mule by josh billings
Dont hav enny more sekrets than yu kan keep yureself. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their houses.
It will probely fill you with an arnest solisitude for mi fate, az it dus mo with emoshuns of stupenjus grander, tu find miself at this grate modern Siloam, this august whirlpool ov wine, wimmin and hosses ; this fairy sceen ov poetry, dreams, and natural fisick.
At last the frunt door kautiously opens yure lady friend recognizes yu: True perlitenes consists in being anxus about the welfair ov uthers ; false perliteness consists in being verry anxus about nothing. Tha are a mupe invenshun, i dont think the Bi- ble deludes tu them at tall.
It taiks 2 tew maik a bargin ; it ought tew taik 2 tew brake it. Moving On Britannica Blog Archive: